Volume 5, Number
3 ( Fall 2000)
ssss Articles
Celebrate Bisexuality Day at
Afterwords
ssssssssBoogie
Down At BECAUSE 2001 Fundraiser
National Coming Out Day
ssssssssLGBT
Film Festival
s
LGBT Center hears Bi
and Trans library concerns
ssssssssBar Night
Canceled
ssssssssWanted:
Bisexual books
ssssCalendar
ssssColumns
sssssssssBi The Editor
sssssssssUpcoming
Discussion Topics
sssssssssFinances
sssssssssHow Do
You Feel?
sssssssssNikki's Notions
sssssssssBisexual
Politics: Clear and Simple
sssssssssStraight
but not Narrow
sssssssssSex Kitty
ssssOdds
and Ends
sssssssss Poetry
Disclaimer
Bi All Means! is a publication of Bi Definition, a bisexual social, support and activist organization in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. BAM is published quarterly and is offered to those on our mailing list on a subscription basis. To subscribe simply fill out this form.
Opinions expressed by writers in BAM are not necessarily those of the editors, publisher, advertisers nor the philosophy of Bi Definition. Any reference made to any individual or organization should not be construed as an indication of the same's orientation.
We reserve the right to edit any submission at our sole discretion. Those who wish to contribute letters, articles, stories, poems or artwork are encouraged to do so, and may have their names withheld if so desired. Please provide text submissions typed double-spaced. Send all submissions to: Bi All Means!/Bi Definition, c/o Milwaukee LGBT Community Center, 170 S. 2nd St., Milwaukee, WI 53204, or e-mail bidef@hotmail.com
The unauthorized use of the ‘Bi Definition’ name is strictly
prohibited to members and nonmembers alike, except when written permission
is received from the current organizational leadership.
Vision Statement
Bi Definition shall provide a social, support and
activist organizational resource for bisexuals, people who do not like
labels and their allies residing in and visiting metropolitan Milwaukee,
WI. It shall work for equal rights and the liberation of all area bisexuals
and others who refuse strict heterosexual and/or homosexual personal identification.
Bi Definition will also collect and distribute information
on bisexuality.
Governance Statement
In order to insure that all minority opinions are
considered at business meetings, Bi Definition will use the consensus process
of decision making for governing.
Celebrate Bisexuality Day at Afterwords
Bi Definition will be celebrating the 2nd International Celebrate Bisexuality Day (CBD) with bisexual readings at Afterwords bookstore. On Saturday, September 23rd from 8-10 p.m. various people will read from books such as Best Bisexual Erotica edited by Bill Brent and Carol Queen, Venus Envy by Rita Mae Brown, and the magazine Anything That Moves.
Bi Definition members Brenda Hanus, Steve Butler, Nikki Schlaishunt, and Crystal Klinger will be reading bi fiction and political essay excerpts, and their favorite bisexual short stories. The larger queer and straight communities are invited to join us for this event, and everyone is invited to share their favorite bisexual pieces.
Afterwords bookstore, located at 2710 N. Murray Avenue, sells books, videos, music, gifts and an assortment of bisexual merchandise. Part of the store is a coffee bar and drinks will be available for purchase during the gathering.
For those looking to extend this day of bisexual festivities, plan to join us for the midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Oriental. (Costumes and props are optional, but encouraged.)
For more information about CBD, contact Nikki at 774-5055.
Boogie Down At BECAUSE 2001 Fundraiser
The first BECAUSE 2001 Fundraiser will be A Boy Named Sue Dance Party. The event will be held at the LGBT Community Center on Saturday, October 21st from 8 p.m. until midnight. Refreshments will be available and a DJ will be playing dance music starting at 9 p.m. Suggested donation is $7-$20 and will help fund the upcoming conference. Join us for an evening of food, fun, socializing and dancing.
BECAUSE—Bisexual Empowerment Conference: A Uniting Supportive Experience—is a Midwestern bisexual conference which provides opportunities of support, education, resources, entertainment and a sense of community for bisexuals, persons questioning their orientation, those who dislike labels, and all friends, family and allies. The May 4, 5 & 6, 2001 conference marks both the 10th anniversary of this conference and the first time this event is being organized and held in Milwaukee.
More information about BECAUSE is available at the www.bisexual.org/because2001
web site. Any questions can be sent to because2001@hotmail.com
National Coming
Out Day:
A Cause for Celebration and Concern for Bisexuals
By Nikki Schlaishunt
This year’s local celebration of National Coming Out Day will be held at the Milwaukee LGBT Community Center on Wednesday evening, October 11th, 2000. The celebration will be a less formal affair than previous years with plenty of time for informal discussion, socializing and eating. This event offers a chance for many facets of the LGBT community to gather and exchange information, as well as an opportunity to share our diverse coming out stories and experiences. For more information about this event, contact the Community Center or call Leonel Marchan at (414) 383-8748.
On the national level, the Human Rights Campaign has published and is disseminating a booklet entitled “Resource Guide To Coming Out.” Bi Definition received a copy of this pamphlet. While there is a nominal attempt to include the word “bisexual,” true inclusion requires an understanding of bisexuality that the Coming Out booklet is lacking.
Of particular concern is the booklet’s definition of bisexuality: “If your strongest emotional and sexual attractions are to people of the same sex, you are gay or lesbian. If they’re equally strong to the same or the opposite sex, you’re bisexual.” According to this definition, one must be equally attracted both emotionally and sexually to “both” sexes at all times for one’s entire life in order to be bisexual. No one is capable of fitting this description, and thus, this definition has the effect of invalidating bisexuality by defining it out of existence. Interestingly, much of the recent mad scramble to define marriage as “one man to one woman” has the effect of invalidating same sex partnerships—an attempt to define them out of existence.
In reality, we all know that human sexuality, labeling, politics, and fear of what we do not understand are all more complex and complicated than such two-dimensional definitions. Serious, committed same-sex partnerships do exist. Just as fluid and varied levels of sexual and/or emotional attraction to more than one gender exists.
In light of this type of misinformation, bisexual participation in LGBT Coming Out Day events is crucial, both in spreading understanding about bisexuality, and so that we bisexuals may gain a better understanding of lesbian and gay issues and concerns.
You can reach the Human Rights Campaign at ncop@hrc.org or by calling 1-800-866-6263.
LGBT Film Festival Grows More Than In Name
This year the Milwaukee Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Film and Video Festival will hold opening night, Thursday, October 5th, at the Oriental Theatre. This change will make the festival more visible and more accessible to the larger straight community, as the name change (from “Gay & Lesbian” to “LGBT”) makes the festival more open to the larger queer community. After opening night, the festival will return to UWM for the rest of the dates.
This year’s film festival will run October 5-8 and October 12-15 and will include a variety of short and long movies with topics from all over the queer map, including a film for children about families.
On Saturday, October 14th at 7 p.m., Bi Definition will be co-presenting the film Water Drops on Burning Rocks. This dark drama about a male couple and their old female lovers is directed by Francois Ozon (director of A Summer Dress from last year’s festival). Playing with this film is Can I Be Your Bratwurst, Please?, an amusing short about a hotel full of cannibals.
Other movies that sound like they might include bisexual themes are the opening night film Pourquoi Pas Moi (October 5th at 7 p.m.) and Aimee & Jaguar (October 7th at 7 p.m.). The run of shorts is another place bisexual themes crop up and these will happen October 7th at 9:30 (boys); October 13th at 7 p.m. (girls); and October 13th at 9 p.m. (boys).
All of the films and videos of the festival sound interesting, exciting
and innovative. For more information email Carl at crlelbog@uwm.edu
or call him at (414) 229-4758.
LGBT
Center hears Bi and Trans library concerns
By Carol Ringo
In a move that gives new hope for bisexual and transgender visibility in the Milwaukee LGBT Community Center library, LGBT Center board members and Executive Director Neil Albrecht met with the Bisexual and Transgender Library Issues Committee.
Program Manager Kathy Herbst had previously written Bi Definition a letter approved by Albrecht stating that creating separate sections for groups within the LGBT community would not be in keeping with the Community Centers philosophy. However, when subsequently approached by Carol Ringo, Bi Definition library liaison, Albrecht showed a willingness to continue discussing the issues. He suggested that bisexual and transgendered people meet with board members, Herbst and himself, and the Bisexual and Trangender library issues meeting was scheduled.
The July 24th meeting was attended by Gretchen Kapperman, Crystal Klinger, Josh E., Louis M., Wendy Radish and Carol Ringo from the Committee, and Stephanie Hume, Leo Quartullo and Dan Riedl from the board. Albrecht was present but Herbst did not attend.
The meeting began with the presentation of a letter signed by the BT Library Issues Committee and Bi Definition stating dissatisfaction with Herbst's and Albrecht's rejection of a bisexual section in the library. It also refused the suggested compromise that bisexual nonfiction books be tagged but placed within the existing nonfiction sections.
"Visibility is of the utmost importance to the recognition and acceptance of bisexuality and transgenderism," the letter stated. It went on to say that splitting up bisexual and transgender books would marginalize bisexual and transgender presence in the LGBT Center and increase the difficulty of finding bi and trans titles in its library.
The board and Albrecht subsequently engaged in a lengthy and productive discussion with the Committee. As a result of this discussion, it was decided that Albrecht would research the cataloguing systems of other LGBT community center libraries, along with the decision-making history behind those systems.
In addition, the Committee will be compiling book titles intended for donation to the library by area individuals and groups. This will give the board and Albrecht an idea of the size and scope of the bi and trans literature that would be incorporated into the library's holdings, should the board and the Committee reach an agreement regarding the library's treatment of bisexual and transgender books.
However, the Committee has reservations about how helpful this research will be. Models for cataloguing systems that facilitate bi and trans visibility are very likely to be extremely scarce because LGBT Community Centers still cater largely to lesbian and gay populations. Louis M.'s question to the board, "If there are no bisexual and transgender sections in other libraries, does that mean we don't get them?" remains unanswered.
Also, board members expressed differing opinions about how relevant the projected number of bi and trans books would be to a decision on the organization of the library. The compilation of a title list in addition to a book count will be a substantial task. Nonetheless, Committee members agreed to do this work in good faith that it would be helpful, if not to cataloguing system decisions, then to the education of their gay and lesbian colleagues on bisexual and transgender literature.
The organization of the Community Center library will be discussed in the September board meeting, after which the BT Library Issues Committee, board members and Albrecht will hold a second meeting. The Committee encourages all Bi Definition members and friends to contact any one of the following people with names of books that they wish to donate or titles they think should be included in the library:
Carol at 562-4058 or woman@uwm.edu
Gretchen at 277-8591 or kapperm1@uwm.edu
Josh at JoshEL@aol.com
Due to extremely low turn-out, Bi Definition has decided to discontinue the Thursday bar nights at Dish. Everyone is welcome to continue gathering at Dish on Thursdays, however, it will no longer be an official set meeting.
Bi Definition is collecting donations of non-fiction and fiction bisexual books and money to buy bisexual books to expand our collection. We are also looking for suggested book titles.
To donate, contact Carol Ringo at 562-4058 or Gretchen Kapperman at 277-8591.
Bi Definition meets on the first Saturday and third Tuesday of every month at 7:00 p.m. for discussions about specific topics pertaining to bisexuality. All discussions are held at the Milwaukee LGBT Community Center, 170 S. 2nd Street.
With the second annual international Celebrate Bisexuality Day scheduled for September 23rd, this is a great month to examine just exactly what it its that we’re going to celebrate. For starters, we should begin by first looking inward. Are you proud of your bisexuality? Is orientation even something to be proud of, or should we be proud of a positive journey after realizing who we are? On the outside, what insight does bisexuality have to offer the rest of the world? Please come help us pat ourselves on the back as we discuss “Bisexual Pride” on Saturday, September 2nd and Tuesday, September 19th.
Every October 11th is National Coming Out Day, and Bi Definition honors this tradition by centering October’s meeting discussions around coming out. This year we will be asking not only for stories of the traditional coming out to parents, siblings and close friends, but for other coming out stories as well. How did you come out at your work? To your boss? At your church? Do you have a story about coming out at a high school or family reunion? What was the first time you held hands with a same-sex lover out in public? Or how about the first time you held hands with an opposite-sex lover at a queer event? Come share with us on Saturday, October 7th and Tuesday, October 17th as we discuss “Coming Out Bi Stories.”
In November the discussion topic will be “Bisexual Relationships: Getting Them & Keeping Them.” We will look at the complications that bisexuality adds to dating—when should you bring up your bisexuality? Should you bring up bisexuality on the first date? The third? Once in a committed relationship, how to deal with one person being bisexual? We will be swapping stories, experiences, and strategies for relationship issues on Saturday, November 4th and Tuesday, November 21st.
December can be a lonely, frustrating time to be queer. No matter what your religious and cultural background is, December is full of family oriented holidays—holidays that are usually dripping with heterosexuality, both blatant and assumed. Our topic in December, “Queer for the Holidays", is designed to provide a little queer oasis. As always, anyone queer, family of queer, or queer ally, is invited to come to the Bi Definition meetings, but we would like to extend a special invitation to everyone in the LGBT community at what can be an isolating time of year.
An annual Bi Definition membership includes discreet newsletter mailings and free admittance to all events. Cost of a single gathering for nonmembers is $5. For information on membership rates, see p. 2, column 1 at the bottom. We also ask that you please refrain from wearing scented products at the meetings.
For information or confirmation on any Bi Definition event listed,
contact Nikki at (414)774-5055
or write: Bi All Means!, C/O LGBT Center, 170 S. 2nd Street,
Milwaukee, WI 53204.
Bi Definition socials/discussions are held on the first Saturday
and third Tuesday of each month @ 7:00 p.m.
at the Milwaukee LGBT Community Center, 170 S. 2nd Street.
September
Sat. 2 @ 7 p.m. Bi Definition Social/Discussion. Topic: “Bisexual
Pride” LGBT Community Center, 170 S. 2nd St.
Mon. 4 Bi? Shy? Why? Madison. Info: (608) 255-8582.
Sat. 9 @ 7 p.m. Gemini Gender Group meeting. Info: 297-9328.
Tues. 19 @ 7 p.m. Bi Definition Social/Discussion. Topic: “Bisexual
Pride” LGBT Community Center, 170 S. 2nd St.
Sat. 23 2nd annual Celebrate Bisexuality Day
October
Mon. 2 Bi? Shy? Why? Madison. Info: (608) 255-8582.
Oct. 5-8 & 12-15 LGBT Film Festival, Oriental Theatre
& UWM
Sat 7 @ 7 p.m. Bi Definition Social/Discussion. Topic: “Coming
Out Bi Stories.”
LGBT Community Center, 170 S. 2nd St.
Wed. 11 @ 6 P.M. National Coming Out Day Celebration. LGBT Community
Center, 170 S. 2nd St.
Sat. 14 @ 7 p.m. Gemini Gender Group meeting. Info: 297-9328.
Tues. 17 @ 7 p.m. Bi Definition Social/Discussion. Topic:
“Coming Out Bi Stories.”
LGBT Community Center, 170 S. 2nd St.
Sat. 21 @ 8 p.m. "A Boy Named Sue Dance Party." LGBT
Community Center, 170 S. 2nd St.
November
Sat. 4 @ 7 p.m. Bi Definition Social/Discussion. Topic: “Bisexual
Relationships: Getting Them & Keeping Them” LGBT Community Center,
170 S. 2nd St.
Mon. 6 Bi? Shy? Why? Madison. Info: (608) 255-8582.
Sat. 11 @ 7 p.m. Gemini Gender Group meeting. Info: 297-9328.
Tues. 21 @ 7 p.m. Bi Definition Social/Discussion. Topic: “Bisexual
Relationships: Getting Them & Keeping Them” LGBT Community Center,
170 S. 2nd St.
December
Sat. 2 @ 7 p.m. Bi Definition Social/Discussion. Topic: “Queer
for the Holidays”
LGBT Community Center, 170 S. 2nd St.
Mon. 4 Bi? Shy? Why? Madison. Info: (608) 255-8582.
Sat. 9 @ 7 p.m. Gemini Gender Group meeting. Info: 297-9328.
Tues. 19 @ 7 p.m. Bi Definition Social/Discussion. Topic: “Queer
for the Holidays”
LGBT Community Center, 170 S. 2nd St.
Weekly
Wednesdays 7-9 p.m. Bi Definition Office Hours
Thursdays 7-9 P.M. Bi Definition Bar Social, Dish,
235 S. 2nd St.
Bi The Editor
What a strange and fluctuating summer—and I’m not just talking about the weather!
Bi Definition summer events ranged from great turnout to almost no turnout. Bi Definition core members—the ones who get the nitty gritty actual work done—all seemed to go through rounds of disappearing for long stretches, only to suddenly reappear with a flurry of new ides and enthusiasm.
Perhaps it’s Global Warming, perhaps it’s El Nino. All I know for sure is Bi Definition has grown as far as it can without a new influx of active members.
The “old guard” need the novel ideas and fresh energy that newer member involvement would bring with it. And we all need a break, whether it be an easing back on current tasks, a total relinquishment of a particular job, and/or a switch of roles within the organization.
Specifically, we need help with fundraising, volunteer coordination, meeting facilitation, event planning, and office assistance. If you have the time, the willingness and the ability, you can contact Steve at 483-5046 or Nikki at 774-5055. Or you can come to our business meetings, which are every 4th Tuesday at 7pm at the LGBT Community Center.
Let’s hope autumn brings us a slow, steady stream of warm days, cool nights, and increased Bi Definition participation.
Bi for now,
Nikki
The following column is designed to assist those who have a desire to make a difference for the bisexual community, without getting over-extended, bored or confused.
Why WI Bisexuals Should Vote (for Gore)
If you’re like most Americans, you don’t vote due to apathy, a shortsighted belief that your single voice has no power, or a combination of both “reasons.” Even though it is your duty to vote in every election whether local or national, I won’t be expounding on that issue here because I believe that one is either patriotic or they are not.
Apathy about voting is generally ignorance about the correlation between government and individual citizens’ lives. From a bisexual standpoint, national politics dictates how favorable the climate is to such things as whether bisexuals are able to marry (and receive the legal benefits for doing so) a same gender partner, if we can adopt children, if a child of a bisexual person can be taken away by the courts, if we have the option of marrying both a woman and a man, and even if bisexuals are allowed to openly and honestly serve their country in the military. All of these examples and other areas of injustice are directly tied to the political environment that ordinary citizens help create. When we vote we can, at a minimum, offset our opponents’ prejudicial voices, and at a maximum, if enough of us let our voices be heard we’ll be able to achieve equality. If we don’t vote, we are asking to be treated like second class citizens.
If you don’t plan on going to the polls on November 7th because you think your individual vote can’t mean anything, you don’t understand Wisconsin’s potential as a recognized “swing state.” It is widely believed that recent (including this year) presidential elections are decided in the industrial Midwest.
So now you may be thinking, “OK, Wisconsin could be crucial, but there’s millions of people who live in our state so my vote still won’t matter.” Historically however, only a small percentage of Wisconsinites actually spend the five minutes necessary to cast their opinion. This brings the tally down into the thousands, where a couple hundred bisexual votes could potentially be a factor.
But why should you really give a damn who wins the presidency when the office may seem so far removed from your life? Because this year it’s different. Very different. This will be the most important presidential election since 1932, because the next president will appoint three to four new justices to the U.S. Supreme Court. As you likely know, the Supreme Court interprets the Constitution by ultimately deciding issues like the civil rights of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender individuals (insufficiently deemed “gay” rights), women’s reproductive rights, the freedom from religious indoctrination and others.
With these many new faces headed to the highest court in the land, the next President—Al Gore or George Bush—will be able to tip the power of the Court in their ideological favor. And don’t be fooled by those who say that there’s no difference between the two. While both are clamoring for the moderate vote (where elections are won or lost) in order to get elected, Bush would appoint our far Right opponents to the Court. Gore on the other hand, would appoint queer friendly and more secular-minded justices. Mr. Gore has stated that he’s in favor of “gay” equality, the rights of women to choose what to do with their bodies, and that atheists have a right to live free from religious oppression.
As a matter of fact, Bush has stated that the two justices currently serving who he admires the most are the most radical far Right conservatives Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas. To illustrate, these two would let states outlaw all abortions—even in cases of rape and incest—and they would allow organized prayer in publicly funded school systems (taking time away from secular learning), would scrap still needed affirmative action programs and have been opponents of queer people. And remember that the Supreme Court justices are appointed for life, generally much longer than the four to eight years that the President and Vice President serve.
This race is about so much more than just the next President of the United States. Essentially it is about the entire climate that we’ll have to live in for most of the rest of our lives.
The bad news is that the radical religious Right is very effective at getting their Bible-thumping constituents to vote, and we are not. Some good news is that the biggest organized threat, the Christian Coalition, recently lost its tax-exempt status from the government for illegally endorsing Republican candidates. But actually this presents the opportunity for them to be more blatant in their approach. Maybe the worst news of all is that Ralph Nader—who has no chance of winning the presidency this year—is taking away approximately the same amount of votes (in polls) as the percentage that Gore is trailing Bush as of this writing.
If all things were equal, my personal candidate of choice would be Nader. The election this year is not equal however, as Mr. Nader cannot win due to not being able to compete financially with the Democrats and Republicans. Nader himself has stated that his goal this year is to simply get a minimum of five percent in order to obtain federally matching funds, so that in four years he’ll be able to play with the big boys. Nader has been holding strong at about 8% in most polls for months. So every vote for Nader is a vote taken away from Gore who desperately needs our help fighting the Right. Nader cannot win this year. Bush is winning and our only “anti-Bush”—Al Gore—needs Nader’s people. And, based on Gore’s record, he deserves our vote in his own right.
My fellow Naderites, this is not our year to attempt to make a point by taking a stand. Next presidential election, maybe. But with the awesome power of the Supreme Court in the balance for as far as the eye can see, we simply cannot allow Bush’s far Right conservative allies to tell us who we are and how we should live our lives. This year Nader cannot do anything about a potential conservative onslaught; Gore can.
If progressives don’t vote this fall, or vote if they for someone other than Al Gore, and should all else remain the same, consider the final results: President—conservative; Vice President—conservative; Supreme Court—conservative; House of Representatives—conservative; Senate—conservative. Nothing liberal. This should scare the hell out of any rational person. And this degree of fear is as much an honorable reason to vote come November as one’s conscience.
Do you care about the quality of the rest of your life and the lives of the others that you care about? Because the next administration occupying the White House will have a big say in that matter. You’ll be answering this question one way or another come November 7th.
Sex—even the mere contemplation of sex—can be one of the most frightening things in the world. In order to experience the pleasure, one must let one’s guard down¾in an unsafe world, not a very comfortable place to be. Love parallels this phenomenon: to love, one must be vulnerable.
Why should I do either?
Sure, sex feels good. But is momentary bliss worth the emotional upheaval? Skin against skin, breath hot on my neck, tongue on my stomach, my fingers tangled in silky hair . . . A joining in tantalizing ecstasy, a merging; harder, faster, moaning, gasping, almost exploding . . . . Wait! Wait, wait . . . What does this mean? Who am I? Who are you? And who are we together? Shall we merge with such ferocious intensity, and then walk away, insisting we are unchanged individuals? Separate. Islands unto ourselves . . .
Well, why the fuck not? Take what you can get. Pleasure is pleasure, no matter the source, no matter the means. If I run my hands all over your body, feel your dips and curves, press your softness to me, feel you flex firmly against my body . . . If I run my tongue up your chest, lick your nipples, feel them harden under my moist mouth as I suck and nuzzle you into a mounting frenzy of energy born of pleasure¾what, then is wrong with this? Why must I know your name, feel a connection, make this into a meaningful moment, the stuff of fairy tales and white knights? Shouldn’t we be allowed the bliss of unadorned sex, to indulge in physical love free of guilt or shame?
“Of course,” says Kali. “Of course,” says Hecate, says Mary Magdalene. Of course. Shame of our bodies, guilt of arousal, fear of our sexual desires¾these things are what drives the modern sex drive underground. And in the darkness, in the deep black depths of our souls, what is healthy and natural dampens and begins to rot. Split off from our physical sensations of tenderness, pleasure, throbbing desire—separated from body-anchored love and anger and fear and joy—we are fragmented beings.
When I was a woman-child, I blossomed under the care and love of my best friend. Her hands worked magic on my body and soul, her fingers left tingly trails of love and pleasure on my skin. Together, we indulged not just in our own physical satisfaction, but in the physical delights we were able to invoke in each another; we took pleasure in giving pleasure. And as we took care to nurture each other’s bodies, we also took care to nurture each other’s hearts and souls.
This is how we were for a moment¾suspended in space, isolated from the rest of the world, we floated in one endless dewdrop of time.
And then it ended.
The world came crashing in: Sex is wrong, especially between girls. Worse between women. Save yourselves while you can, it’s not too late! What you need is a man. What you need is sex involving a penis. What you need is to be saved¾and that means finding a boyfriend.
The tide broke over me, flooded through me. I tried to fight it, but to what avail? Am I supposed to be with women? How was I supposed to know? Women were all I knew. Women raised me. Women were my siblings, my peers. What did I know of men? Internalized homophobia, you say—well, of course! That is self-evident. That is entirely all too obvious. I wasn’t completely obtuse; I recognized the big fat elephant in my living room, and I did not dismiss it, ignore it, or repress it. I said to the great and noble beast, “So, am I a lesbian?” And I thought long and hard on this. I poked and prodded my insides, asked stern and skeptical questions. I played devil’s advocate, interrogating my deepest self. Am I a lesbian?
Yes, I love J. Yes, I am physically attracted to her. Am I attracted to other women? Well, no more than I am to men. Actually¾and this was the core I kept coming back to¾at the time I was more attracted to men than to women. I had never been with a man. What was I missing? I knew how lovely silky-smooth bare breasts felt against my own. But what would it be like to run my hands over wide masculine shoulders? To press a hard muscular chest to my own yielding flesh? I longed to feel thick sinewy arms envelope me, to lose myself in musky male scent, to feel a bulging hot groin press against me . . . If all of these things came to me when I closed my eyes and I left myself open to all possible worlds, then, I decided, I must not be a lesbian.
I should have been at peace with this revelation. But I had never heard of bisexuality. In the binary world in which I lived, my choice was between two opposing worlds; I had to pick one, and only one. This being the case, it wasn’t enough to acknowledge my desire for men. I also had to repudiate my desire for women. I had to refute it, deny it. I had to kill it (or at least knock it unconscious) and then bury it. A deep dark unmarked grave.
It was a messy, mean affair. It meant turning my back on my best friend. I blamed her for my situation; if I hadn’t loved her so much, I said, I would never have been led astray. In my attempt to scourge my past, to fix what I thought had gone wrong with me, I convinced myself to fall in love with a hateful person, a person full of violence and lies and mean-spirited manipulation. In my battle to kill my desire for women, my sexual self was wounded many times.
The first wounding happened under the moon and the stars. My new boyfriend and I had made ourselves a little love nest in the wild side-yard that abreasted the duplex I lived in with my mom and sister. Fully clothed we were none-the-less getting hot and heavy; bodies gliding and thrusting to the rhythm of the stars, the pounding of our hearts. The tension mounted and in a frenzy of hands and lips and tongues and hip locked writhing, I orgasmed magnificently. Coming up for air, pausing between movements, I smiled down into his eyes and told him how well he had pleasured me. He pushed me off of him and rolled over, stiff and unresponsive¾angry? I was confused. With J, we were each so excited when we were able to please the other. What was wrong? It was wrong, he said, that I came and he didn’t. I tired to discuss it with him, but he was adamant, and unmoving.
From that moment on, as far as he was concerned, I owed him.
He had a twisted logic that I got tangled up in. The more I struggled, the more tangled I became, and I was left trapped, gasping for air. I thought things would get better if I had intercourse with him. Besides, isn’t that what I left J for? Why was I waiting?
Things only got worse—more confused, more tangled. I was losing myself. Like those nightmares where you are running in sand, and the harder you run, the slower you move, and the deeper you sink. The answer was on the tip of my tongue, but he kept me so busy running in circles that all I could taste was sand.
I stayed with this boyfriend for a year and a half, trying to prove I was straight, trying to prove that “love conquers all.” I tried to make the fairy tale come true, to turn the beast into a prince. I tried to fit my feet into the heterosexual, monogamous, sexually “pure” shoes society demands that everyone wear. In doing so, I suffered a deep wounding to my heart, and an even deeper wounding to my physical/sexual self. For me, sex and love were ripped apart, shredded, leaving a tangled mess. I still bear the scars of this encounter. I still struggle with the demons born of this union.
We cannot resurrect our carnal desires without love, as we cannot resurrect our hearts without consummating our physical selves. Patched back together, I believe it is possible to heal old splits, to reunite all the different pieces—parts of our selves divided so long that we hardly know what it is we are missing when we feel the phantom ache:
Sex without an element of love will leave us empty.
Love without an element of the physical will leave us feeling unconnected, alone.
This does not mean you have to have sex with everyone. Quite the contrary¾there are many ways of touching that do not involve sex. Touch is so fundamental to humans, and it is the one thing we hold back on as adults, unless it is attached to sex. There are very strict rules on who I can caress, on who I can lay my hand upon lingering with warmth and affection, on who I can kiss. We set up boundaries of possession and mistrust that keep us divided and conquered.
If only we could see that our entrapment behind enemy lines exists only in our minds. All we need do is open our hearts, take a chance, dare to touch, dare to love.
All we need do is be brave.
An infinitely difficult task.
Straight but not Narrow
K. Patrick Callahan
This column is intended to be a discourse to those of you who are part of the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community from a heterosexual man.
Recently, the state of Colorado passed a law forbidding same sex marriages. Colorado joins 33 other states in condemning marriage.
Another article recently published told of the Lutheran Church publicly acknowledging gay couples. They stopped short of sanctioning gay marriages but did state that the church body would accept gay couples in the church and not condemn gay couples. The church gave itself an escape clause though, stating that each individual church would accept or deny the ruling from the church body. So far, all who have voted, have rejected the sanction.
Scene shift. A thirteen year old junior high school student, average, with good grades, not part of a gang, well liked, popular, a good student, is sent home because he was tossing water balloons in school. He gets home, gets a gun that was there, comes back to school and shoots and kills the teacher that went him home.
We as a society are rapidly getting sick and even more rapidly becoming a nation of poor judgement led by people who have poor moral judgement. We allow, in all states, children to carry guns, to shoot at will and to kill innocent people for no reason at all. None, nada, zero. Yet we condemn and rule that gay marriages are illegal.
Now, correct me if I'm missing something, but, what the hell is that? I'm thinking the killing is far worse far more heinous, far more deplorable by huge amounts than being gay and being married.
Yet this society chooses to treat killing with hardly a glance while gay marriages are treated as a crime.
Shame on us. Shame on the NRA. Shame on Colorado.
Well... dear Kitty folk, Kitty is in full bloom, if I do say so myself. Kitty got some, honey and it was goooooood!! Unfortunately, goys and birls, this is Kitty's last column. Yes... I'm afraid if I don't say it now, I never will. But the Kitten, being the struggling artist that s/he is, just has too many commitments and not enough time to blow each of them!
Dear Sex Kitty,
My girlfriend and I recently purchased and experimented with a strap-on dildo. Unfortunately, it was an awkward, less than satisfying experience (I’m glad my girlfriend has a good sense of humor!) I’m wondering if I am using the wrong motion, or perhaps the wrong position? Do you have any technique tips for strap-on usage?
Signed,
Strapped In and Ready to Go
Dear Strapped In,
Well, well, trying the old strap-on, are we? Not all strap-on's are created equal. Sounds like you might want to upgrade, ladies. My guess is that you have a one-piece harness that fastens around the waist. Yes... I'm using my psychic kitty powers. The one-piece harness generally doesn't provide the support that you need. You might need to check out a model with leg openings, adjustment straps and leather underwear to hold the dildo in place. My guess is that this will then become a most pleasurable activity.
On a more philosophical level, make friends with the dildo. Take it
out for a beer. Tell it your deepest, darkest secrets. Give it a name.
And above all, PRACTICE. Rome was not fucked in a day and neither should
you be.
Dear Sex Kitty,
So what's all this tantric sex thing about? And why do people like it?
A Sex Kitty Fan
DEAR FAN,
Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod, I have a fan! "Just Kitty" has a fan! Who are you? Do you love and worship me with all of your being? Is anyone starting a fan club? The Kitty Club. I can see it now. I'll autograph glossy pictures with phony sayings. (Don't you love how I can turn any question into a paragraph about me?)
Well... as always, the World Wide Web has a vast and scary wealth of resources and knowledge. Tantra is, by definition on www.innerself.com, "the total surrender, or letting go of all mental, emotional and cultural conditioning, so that universal life energy may flow through you like a river without any effort." Many of the things I read talked about "letting go", which sort of scared me. It reminded me of the whole "letting go and letting God" mantra and frankly, I am STILL scared by that.
Getting past that though, Tantra seems to be all about oneness and letting go of the separation of body and mind. "But how hell do you do it?" I kept asking myself. Let me preface any more comments by saying that what I found was very heterosexual-based. Frankly, if you want a quickie, this is not the method of pleasure for you. There is much focus on delaying male ejaculation, or not ejaculating at all. For Tantra practitioners, the average act of intercourse is over an hour.
Without typing another 15 pages about Tantra, I'm going to suggest a few videos: Playboy's Making Love Series: Tantric Lovemaking; Ancient Secrets of Sexual Ecstasy; and Fire on the Mountain: Male Genital Massage. Tell me what you think of them.
Sianora, my dear friends, until we meet on the next sexual horizon.
Finances &
Fun: Bi Bits by Brenda
Brenda Hanus
I would like to thank everyone for their help with the PrideFest Mug Booth. It was especially fun seeing some of our members persuading people they really needed a PrideFest mug. This event provided some nice visibility for Bi Definition to the rest of the queer community. We recently received a check from PrideFest for $336.00 for our help with the Mug Booth. We were hoping for a bit more, however the cold weather on Sunday really slowed down the mug sales.
Our first fall fundraiser was “Trash and Treasures” at the West Allis Farmer’s Market. We raised $172.13 at this event. I would like to thank all that helped both preparing for the event and at the actual event.
Our final fundraiser for this year will be the Fall Rummage sale at Carl’s garage this October. More details and signup sheets will be available during the September meetings at the community center. We would greatly appreciate donations and/or help during the actual sale. Please bring all small donations to the community center and leave them in the Bi Definition office space. If you have a large item to donate (e.g. bike, shelf, etc.), please keep until the rummage sale and bring directly to the sale on the Friday evening before the sale.
On a final note, this will be my last year as the Fund Raising chairperson.
I am involved with BECAUSE 2001 and feel it is time to let someone else
take over. I have really enjoying working with all the people who helped
in our fund raising efforts and have also learned a few things about people
and fund raising. I hope the next person will find it an equally enjoyable
experience. If you are interested or have any questions, please feel free
to ask me or any other person in the leadership group. Again thanks to
everyone who helped out in the last two years.
How does bisexuality both enhance and hinder aspects of your life?
Here are your responses:
No restrictions on who I can love is an enhancement. That not
enough people think likewise is a hindrance.
John
Milwaukee
Doubles my chances for a Saturday night date.
“A Big Wrestling Fan”
Milwaukee
It makes me feel really free, but it’s harder to date people because
I feel I can’t be too open about it with out being judged for it.
Richard G. Skibba
Milwaukee
Thank you for sharing your unique point of view! Next issue’s question is:
How do you know you are bisexual?
Please let us know your viewpoint! You may request your name be
withheld if you so desire, but, if you want, we will quote you in the next
Bi All Means!
Poetry
Had My First Date
With a male
For a man with a mohawk
And triple-pierced nape of the neck
His conversation is
Surprisingly plain
He doesn’t have a care either
I suppose I shouldn’t
Count that against him
But I do
He says, “Ciao”
Instead of good-bye
But I am not impressed.
Viola
Queer Perspective
Let us gather here as one
Men and women together in fun
In twos, threes or fours--it does not matter
Though two men or three women does cause chatter
To those of you who don't
understand
Be happy that you have woman
to man
As for the rest of us
Our joy comes from caring
and trust
Oh, I know you say that's where yours comes from too—
Then how can you doubt we love the same as you?
We commit to our loves and pay our own way
Yet you'd prefer we not be in the light of the day
How is it that our ways threaten your way?
Which of our partners or children would you slay—
Too often one of us has died
Because of the fear one of you felt inside.
Against people who've done you no harms
You raise your voices and your arms
"Live in peace and love", I've heard you say
Yet you sit with blood-stained hands to pray
In the name of morals you claimed you knew
How proud and righteous you sat in your pew
How loud from the pulpit those hate-words spew
Never thinking what violence the listeners may do
To those of you who don't
understand
But still accept women with
women, and men with men
I'm glad to greet you as
a friend
For I know you also want
the hate to end.
Angelica Dawn 3/25/00
