Written by Ghostwriter
Characters: Janeway/Chakotay
October 1998
Disclaimer: Paramount owns all things Voyager. No copyright infringement is intended.
~ * ~ * ~
I watch as you silently gaze about the room. The Mess Hall is filled with Voyager's crew members, most of them dressed appropriately for the festivities. Your eyes slowly refocus on the presentation being given at the front of the room, the crooked grin that forms on your face making my heart skip a beat. I can see your point. We're quite a collection: Starfleet's finest, the last true warriors of the Maquis, a former Borg rediscovering her humanity, and a sentient hologram. How ironic we should all be gathered here together, listening while a native Talaxian, dressed in a tawdry red and white suit, explains the true meaning of an ancient Terran holiday called Christmas to our community's only child. Yet, somehow, it all seems very appropriate.
The lights in the room have been dimmed so the full splendor of Voyager's official Christmas tree can be seen. In truth, I doubt people from Earth's past decorated their Christmas trees quite as outrageously as Neelix has, but no one seems to mind. The over abundance of wildly flashing lights, large, sparkling ornaments, and silvery tinsel only serves to brighten the festive mood further. Several candles have been lit around the room as well, adding even more to the comfortable ambience.
I vaguely hear Neelix's voice in the background as he begins reciting a cheerful Christmas poem to little Naomi, but my thoughts are elsewhere. I just can't take my eyes off of you, sitting beside me. The warm color of the candlelight washes across your face as you listen intently to the words of the poem. A gentle smile still tugs at your lips, the serenity of the moment relaxing all concerns. The Captain of Voyager is no longer present; there is just Kathryn. Yet, even with your command presence subdued, you still exude an aura of strength and confidence, the kind that demands respect without question. The crew honors this with every smile and every gesture they make, myself included. I eagerly live and breathe by your command each day, knowing with certainty that you have the ability needed to guide this ship on its long journey home. It's only a matter of time.
The urge to reach out and caress your cheek as you watch is overwhelming, but I resist. I honestly don't believe you have any idea how much your presence in my life means to me. You have become a part of my essence, a part of my soul. Do you understand this, Kathryn? Do you know what your smile does to me? Do you want to know? Would you even be able to fathom how you feed my spirit with such strength and courage, allowing me to believe even when hope is nothing but a tiny, flickering candle caught in the harsh wind of fate?
Your beauty is something far deeper than the radiance of your skin or the twinkle in your eyes. It's something eternal and unchanging, something that can't be measured by mere aesthetics. My heart sings every time you grace me with a smile. Why? Because I love you. I can't offer you a simpler explanation than that. I love you. I may never get the chance to fully express those feelings to you, but that doesn't deter me from acknowledging my affection.
My love for you makes me whole, even if you can't respond in kind. That's something I understand and accept. I did try to tell you how I felt once, but the depth of my emotions remained hidden behind eloquent words that seemed far easier to say at the time. In return, you smiled, offering me your hand and your friendship, a gift I will cherish the rest of my life, just as I cherish you.
I can feel a lump forming in my throat as my thoughts return to the moment at hand. The holiday atmosphere has kindled something in my heart, making me more sentimental than usual. Your whole body swells with the deep breath that you take, and I watch as you once again allow your eyes to wander over your beloved crew. Tuvok is here, respectfully present for the festivities. Your smile widens as you look upon your old friend. He's brought his meditation lamp with him. Its flame dances quietly, casting a shadow of the Vulcan's distinguished profile on the wall beside him. Tom and B'Elanna stand close by, arms wrapped around each other as they, too, listen intently. Your face brightens as you study the young lovers, a knowing sparkle shining in your eyes. Directly behind them, Harry sits with Seven of Nine. They are whispering quietly, Harry gesturing with his hands while Seven simply looks confused. I'm not surprised. Seven is as ignorant as Naomi about the importance of these gatherings.
"But what's Christmas really about, Neelix?" Naomi's voice carries through the room, snapping you out of your reverie. Your smile relaxes slightly as you wait for Neelix to respond to the question. My own curiosity leads me to observe the scene before us as well.
"Well," the Talaxian begins, shifting slightly. "Christmas means many different things. For some people, this holiday holds a great deal of religious significance, something that's been observed for many centuries. For others, it's a time of terrific celebration, with singing, presents, building snowmen, and time off from school!"
Laughter echoes through the room as Neelix pauses. I find myself chuckling quietly as I turn back to watch you. You are so beautiful when you look like that. Your amusement brightens the entire room as you smile. I can sense how contented you are, and it brings such a sense of peace to me.
"But, regardless of who you are or what your beliefs may be," I hear Neelix continue, "I believe Christmas is really a celebration of life and love." I notice your smile start to fade as you listen, your face growing thoughtful as his words continue. "Very much like my own people's Prixin celebration, it's about giving thanks for all that you have, and letting everyone that you love know just how special they are to you."
The voices up front blur together as my focus narrows. The tears that are welling in your eyes have become my only reality. I am completely unprepared when you suddenly turn your face toward me, your eyes seeking mine. I realize with a start that all my feelings are unmasked to you, feelings I've kept so carefully hidden. My heart stops in a moment of fear and exhilaration, but I see no regret on your face. I feel your hand grasping mine gently in a silent gesture of appreciation. Is that a spark of affection I see in your gaze? I don't dare to hope; I just smile softly and accept the gratitude you have so generously offered, as always.
There is movement from above us then, interrupting our private moment. Startled, we both look up to find a small arrangement of greenery hanging from a string just above our heads. Though I'm not entirely familiar with the holiday we are celebrating, I do know that I am looking straight into a piece of mistletoe. I also know what it means...someone wants you and I to kiss. As if in a daze, I follow the line of the string up to where it's tied at the tip of a pole. My eyes continue, running the length of the pole until I finally see who the instigator of this mischief is. It takes every ounce of self control for me not to laugh out loud.
Standing there, rigidly holding the mistletoe above us, is our very own Doctor. He's staring stoically at the ceiling, a scowl painted across his features. I can almost hear his silent hurumph as he takes a deep breath. Obviously someone has put him up to this, probably under threats of deactivation or reprogramming. Very clever...he's the only crew member who can't be effectively reprimanded or punished because of the nature of his service aboard Voyager...or because of who he is. I scan the crowd of people, looking for a clue as to who is responsible, but I quickly discover how useless it is. Everyone in the room is smiling cheerfully at us, waiting for something to happen.
Swallowing hard, I turn back to you, fully expecting that you'll brush the whole thing aside by reciting protocol to your expectant crew. But, you surprise me. You're blushing bright enough to be seen even in the dim light, but the wry smile on your face gives away your amusement. Your eyes speak volumes as you lean forward, taking full advantage of my apparent state of shock. Within seconds, your lips touch mine gently. My eyes close as the sensation penetrates my spirit. An indescribable feeling of joy makes my heart swell as the softness and sweet taste of you merges with my own. For a moment, I fully believe the entire universe has stopped to behold us. How precious a gift you've given me, Kathryn. Thank you.
All too soon, your lips slip away from mine. Our kiss probably lasted only a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity to me. My senses quickly register that something has changed. The raucous outburst I'd expected from the crew never happened. Instead, as I blink my eyes open, I realize that soft music is filtering through the room. 'Silent Night,' I believe it is. I recognize the melody even though I'm not familiar with the words. All around us, crew members hum to the music, some who know the words are singing quietly. My eyes find yours, then. You're still smiling, still blushing, but the look of tenderness in your eyes forces a lump to my throat once more.
I feel my heart beating wildly as I search your face for some clue that this was more than just a kiss. I've accepted your need for distance and your gentle refusals in the past, but I can't stop myself from hoping. I'm a man in love, Kathryn, but I will always follow your lead.
Your smile widens as you watch me contemplating silently. You're enjoying this immensely. Why, Kathryn? Why is the sparkle in your eye brightening even as I think these thoughts? Could it be that the kiss was more than just a kiss? A promise of things to come, perhaps? You squeeze my hand in response to the silent question in my eyes. I hadn't even realized our fingers were still entwined.
"Merry Christmas, Chakotay," you whisper softly to me. After a few seconds of stunned recognition, I smile back, allowing my eyes to fully express the passion hidden in my heart. Again, you surprise me, Kathryn.
You don't look away.....
~ * ~ finis ~ * ~
Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated! email Ghostie
